Memories...

For mine to have and remember... what about people who can't remember? No - I am not one of them - I am on the other end of the spectrum. I remember too well. Every word, action, expression.. every single detail. Sometimes it is painful. The downside of remembering is... I have access to and can play back every single moment in my head a million times - they can be paused..rewound...I never really fast forward. However, as cool as it sounds... it is not that cool all the time. I don't wish to remember some of the not-so-pleasant moments in my life. The curse is... I have to.
So that being said - how would it be if I could just forget everything. If I could immediately forget the many impressions that people leave behind... would that help? It might, in some cases... it will be a second chance to build relations that are misunderstood the first time. It will allow me to experience the little things in life a little better as if that it the first time I am ever seeing it. They say we should live every moment as if it were our last. I say live it like its your first! With "last" comes the thought of an end somewhere... which brings some sadness with it. But with "first" there is only a magnificent possibility of there being many more beautiful moments in life. So why not live like there is a whole life ahead of us. Forget and wipe out what the past tries to show us over and over. Learn from it but don't let it decide what your future will be. Let your heart (not head) decide what the future brings. If only everyone thought with their hearts... the world wouldn't be so heartless...

If I hold the light in my hand... why should I shed it on the path I left behind...Won't I need it to look ahead?

Going off on a Tangent....

So recently something stirred up in me... I realized I am a very proud person. Maybe a little timid but proud. I don't show my pride at all really... but if you are looking for it - you will see it! Needless to say I am a working woman and that contributes a whole lot to my pride. Its not like I earn a whole lot to feel that way - but it is my hard earned money and with it I feel like I can buy the world for everyone! I truly can't.
Ever since I was a little girl I was taught the importance of money... and how hard people work for it. So the importance of respecting someone else's money was a highlight in my values! I don't really think so much about things I own - they are mine and I know I can't offend myself. But when it comes to things that someone else owns... I am extra-ultra-careful. Its just in by blood - it comes naturally.
I know and have met some people in my (still short) life who don't agree with that school of thought. A relation to them is what gives them the right to certain things. I might sound selfish - but - "what I have is mine - unless I give it to you and what you have is your's and I will not take it without your permission or assume you would want to give it to me unless you specifically say so". Does it make sense? Maybe it does - maybe it doesn't. Assumption is not what I live my life by.... I don't assume anything - even love. I need to know someone who loved me yesterday still loves me today - that is also their's to give... to who they please. I can (by my actions) prove myself worthy of it - but it is still not something I just assume.
The only love that is unconditional - is a mother and her child's. That is the only thing that comes with no strings and cannot fade away. Everything else - we have to work towards - be it money...fame... honor.. even love.
So that brings me back to my point earlier - can I assume that something that is not mine today will be mine - just because...? I don't see a reason why I should be able to make that assumption. If I don't fight or work for it - it never really is mine.

If life was handed to us on a silver platter... would we still be alive or just exist?

Immortality

Immortality...its your's "take it"...said Brad Pitt as Acheles.
On 3rd Feb at 11:00AM IST my dimma passed away. This was a day we all knew would arrive we just didn't want to think about it. She was a sweet gentle soul who never wished ill for anyone.
I wanted to jot down a few things that make her special and will always keep her alive in my mind as Dimma.
1. The summer vacations to Ashoknagar to see Dimma
2. The endless pampering of grandchildren showered by Dimma and Dadu.
3. The visits in Kankulia house by Dimma... those were wonderful... she used to make goja and nimki for us!
4. Visiting mumum in Dhakuria with Dimma - walking up from Kankulia to mumum's house in the evenings was wonderful.
5. Going to celebrate Durga puja and Kali puja with Dimma.
6. The smell of Dimma's house and sari filled with the minty freshness of Pan and zarda.
7. The scoldings we used to get from Dimma and no scolding at all from Dadu. :)

I will always miss you Dimma and Dadu. You will always remain in my heart as the two warmest people I knew.

Love you forever.

Oooh Baby baby...
I don't remember at what point I started wanting one of my own. At what point did my maternal instincts take over. I cannot put a finger on that moment but I know for sure that this is all I want today and will want for as long as I don't have my baby. And when I do I will not stop wanting another. They are precious... so many thoughts rush through my head when I think of how it will be when I will have a little person in my arms... looking up and thinking I am her/his hero. I know I used to always think my mom was my hero. She still is. There is so much strength in my mother and I think she got that strength as side effects of motherhood. I want to be strong too... just like Mommy. I can't imagine what it must be like to be the world for someone. A is my world... but I am hardly his. His world has so many things going on in it that sometimes I feel tiny in it. So I feel the need to have someone of my own... who will mean the world to me again and who will love me like there is no tomorrow!

Resolutions are made to be broken like promises…

After all aren’t they promises made to self? Every year I make a list of ‘self-made’ promises – just to be kept to myself for about 15 days… and when a fortnight passes with no efforts made, the promises are conveniently forgotten. Only to be remembered at the end of the year. So this year I have a good set of promises – things that I want to do have piled up through the year and all of them have been compiled into one sweet list of resolutions. Here is a brief glimpse of the list

i.Take care of myself – do something nice every day. Even if that involves spending 5 minutes to feel fresh.

ii.Invest sometime every day in arts and hobbies…take the mind off the every day things.

iii.Follow the cleaning schedule to the ‘dot’.

iv.Keep things organized as far as possible.

v.Cut down on the amount of sleep… no one needs 10 hours of sleep!

vi.Do something nice for someone that you can write about.

vii.Fill out and start your PM application.

viii.Think about taking GMAT if PM is not working out.

ix. Save some money for ma and pa!

What? Isn’t that a long enough list?
Ok now moving on to Santa’s list. Although for me Santa is the sweetheart I married -  - no one ever told me not to make a list. What it Santa really exists… atleast he’ll know what I want.
My list for Santa is very simple:

i.A baby

That is it! See I told you it is not scary. No one every trusts anyone these days. Anyway – so since the spirit of Christmas rubs on everyone a little bit here and there – I am taking it upon me to make it as chritmassy as possible for my family.

Are you sure this is development?

We are proud to be Indians – especially given the recent economic development of the country! Measures of development of a country is set against an economic benchmark. Ask any regular middle class or as they prefer to be called these days upper middle class family member and all that has changed is that people ended up with more money. That is because the employers (mostly MNCs) are paying more. That is good – Mr A would say – “this money will trickle down to the poorer people in the society and it will show”. Sure it takes time for anything to trickle down through a billion+ people. Not corruption. Not poverty. Not illiteracy. How has that survived for so long and grown by leaps and bounds? We have seen wonderful developments made in the capital city. New roads – better public transportation systems, the IT hub of the country (Bangalore) is going to make helipads available in the city center to attract investors and VIPs to fly in and out without having to waste hours stranded in traffic. Is that a solution for the general population? We are not getting a helicopter anytime soon – so how is the commute going to look for us… every single day? How am I going to get to the hospital in a life and death emergency?

West Bengal has become a whole different story on its own. Political big guns hire criminals to clean up for them and they are obliged for a meager sum of money. The common people who chose to earn an honest living suffer. Nothing has changed. It is easy to think “nothing has changed” and “nothing ever will”. It is also easy to say something needs to be done. But today we the young and the middle class of India need to do something about it.

All I can do it think about it from thousands of miles away and hope and pray my family is safe and not being affected by this. But isn’t this a trickle effect – will this pain not trickle up or down to us?

“If you undo all the work that you did in the past – you have nullified your existence. Aren’t you back where you started?”

To have and to hold...
A little bit of understanding goes a long way. Life goes through thick and thin and takes us on a roller coaster ride with it. Emotions are not always something we can successfully control. Sometimes it is alright to give in to it and it is then that we turn to see the familiar face next to us and all we look for is a nod. Just to say "I know where you are and where you are coming from". But that, sometimes is the hardest thing to get from someone.
Everything else seems to be an easier option compared to just a little bit of support. Isn't that what relations are based upon? They say trust is the foundation of a good relation. Trust for what? Trust that I will always be there? Trust that I will never let you down? Trust that I won't give up? Can I expect the same trust? Can I trust you to be there for me? Can I trust you to understand me and my emotions? Can I trust you to support and love me always?
These are not questions for me... these are questions everyone who is or is planning to be in a relation for a lifetime should ask. Is there a 'no' hidden in all the 'yes'-es.?

Probably it is too much to ask... or is it?

Long time no see!

Yes, its been a while since I scribbled in here. But believe me - I have been thinking about things... So there is something to look forward to everyday. A special dinner, a new project, work, a new day! Life moves on and there are subtle yet important things that happen everyday...some remembered for years to come and some forgotten in a heart beat! Isn't this the only life we will know? So why is it that we don't end up treasuring every moment of it. Every second brings with it the mystery of the future and the memories of the past...doesn't it? I will never see myself like this again..! I will never wake up next to my better half on this day again! That has to be special...
So anyway.. now that I have managed to convince you and myself that I have been thinking... long story short.. I haven't really found anything outstanding to write about! So that brought me to think - why can't every moment be special? Why does something extra-ordinary-out-of-this-world have to happen to get my attention! So this weekend my yard gets my attention... small things that go un-noticed and fall in the list of trivial things get my attention. Because nothing is trivial and nothing exists without a reason. So lets all try to give every little thing its due importance!

To love or not...

This might be a little too mushy for some - but my hormones are making me mushy today! So you guys get to suffer :). Lately I have been listening to some music that makes me want to curl up with my better half and just lay there. I am not sure what to call this - but have you ever felt like a song or a tune just touches the deepest corner inside you. It doesn't have to be extraordinary music - just some tune that penetrates your skin - mind and soul. It is an amazing feeling that makes you fall in love all over again and remember the reasons why you fell in love in the first place. Amidst all the trivial issues that life hands out everyday we seldom stop to think why we are where we are - what would have been if we didn't have the pillar of strength in our lives. I am not even sure I would have been writing this today. Life is just a little bit better because you are in it... It is not everyday that I acknowledge that. Our ears transfer the happy feeling to our hearts when someone sings praises for us - but how many times in a day have we stopped to say something nice to someone...especially the person that never forgets to shower us with love and affection?
Life will only get busier - does that mean that the person I love the most will get loved less with every passing day?

?

When a loved one is lost - there is a lot of emotion around that event/occuring. To lose the oldest mother figure in the family is all in all painful. It takes a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that the kind, gentle, caring and always giving "Naani" is not around anymore for us to hug, share jokes with or simply put our head on her lap and fall into peaceful slumber. it is even more difficult to imagine that when we walk into her room the next time - she will not give us the brightest smile and welcome us...
There are so many memories attached to every entity we meet in our life span - the most wonderful ones are with parents - soon after follows grandparents with their immense affection for grandchildren.
There is nothing wrong in the eyes of a grandmother; I remember my mother scolding me at times - and my Dimma (grandma) scolding her. It used to delight me to know there is someone who can stand up for us and tell my mom to give us a break! Awesome!
We know and love our grandparents for as long as we know and love our parents. If you ask me - they are the closest and most selfless relative we have along with our parents - everyone else is there for a reason - their reason is simply "LOVE".
How can you start living without pausing for sometime to think that whatever happens from now on - memories of these white haired - toothless angels are all we will carry in our hearts...till we meet again.

In Anticipation!

The definition of Anticipation is "in expectation" or "in prediction" - at any given moment our heart and mind expects a million things. But somehow we really anticipate a few of those.
A vacation for example is something we all wait in anticipation for. From the very day we decide on the possibility of a vacation our heart flutters and feels happy at the mention of the "v" word. There are a million things that get planned around the few days of happy carefree life. Bound by the daily, sometimes monotonous, routine of 21st century living - any break big or small is welcomed with arms wide open.
So now I am in the peak of my anticipating self... Vacation is around the corner - which means new places - good food - lots of catching up and all in all a wonderful time with friends. Nothing leaves behind more memories than a good vacation!

To plan or not to plan
Planning the future to every detailed step is probably not possible. Some people leave all the planning to destiny. It is not my place to say if that is correct or not. But all I can think of is - if I don't plan what I want to do tomorrow and the day after long before the possibility of a tomorrow arrives - I will walk around lost and unsure like a zombie!
Everyone plans in their own way - saving money is also planning in a way - putting away the left overs in the refrigerator is also planning. Every thing we do no matter how minuscule the action is - compared to something else is a plan that is leading to the next action.
But again I have met people who are not willing to admit it and plan for what might be - they are probably too scared to leave the "what already is" world and venture out! planning for more than a few hours is terrifying for some people - while planning for anything less than a few weeks ahead is terrifying to some - probably to maintain some sort of unknown balance!
Just goes to show how much planning went into the making of us...so planning "IS" an integral part after all...or not?

Blame it on PMS

They say we lose our minds once a month. I think we start being sensible once a month – but it only lasts for 3 or 4 days! Things we normally overlook and take in our strides get to us finally!
If you ask me they should be getting to us all the time. But then if I say this to someone I will be blacklisted as the woman with PMS. It is funny how a little extra hormone can change your mental abilities. Tolerance level comes down and decibels go up! My husband is totally terrified of “that time of the month” or as Red Foreman of “That 70’s Show” would say “The lady problem”. It is not all that bad. If human emotions were stagnant wouldn’t you get bored?
If I am smiling all the time and saying all kinds of sweet thing – will it not get to “YOU” at some point? The only proof that I still have feeling is when my emotions change. If all of us were perpetually happy or sad or neither – how dull it would be! IMAGINE. So PMS is actually the real you who pays us a visit once every month.

Imagine what you can do!

The only strong belief I have held on to for sometime now is "There is nothing I cannot do if I put my heart to it". I have put this belief to test over and over again and it has never let me down.

No one promised me a bed of roses for life - our parents ensure we get one for as long as we are under their wings - but the moment you declare your freedom - you "are" on your own. So when tough times come knocking and you have knocked your head against the wall a million time; then comes a time when you almost give up.

All anyone needs to do then is take a deep breathe and a break for few moments to purge your mind completely. When you return to tackle the task/problem at hand - you will find renewed energy and more determination than ever before to see it to the end. It works like a charm every single time!

Giving up is something we do when we don't want to try enough, when we are unwilling to take those extra steps and see the rewards of our efforts. There is and will never be anything more rewarding than the fruits of real hard work. It could be working out hard at the gym... Ask someone how s/he feels about working hard and losing all the weight they wanted to lose. It is heaven right here on EARTH. So today I will start towards that heaven one little step at a time - by making my way to the Gym which has been beckoning me for the past one year! Keep you posted!

Look before you leap

They said in the local newspaper – “a seven month pregnant woman collapsed on a hot summer day and died”. The baby was fine, but the mother didn’t make it. When I wondered how this tragic event took place and read on – it said that she was at a game!
That makes me think if I should name it as careless or carefree. But no matter whatever anyone names this incident…it looks like the baby is going to have to live without its biological mother because the mother wanted to go watch a game outside when the temperature was close to a hundred degrees!
The most delicate state a woman can be is when she is carrying another life inside her. If not for herself or anyone else she holds dear – she should have a minuscule amount of fear in her for the life inside her. A mother’s instincts should be to protect the baby and do everything in her power to keep it safe. Foregoing the chance to watch the Red Sox play the Angels is not a decision that should take more than a split second to make. Some people are willing to give it a thought some people just leave it to fate and the thoughts flood the mind later…

Dreams are probably the most wonderful images of our ambitions and hopes. There is never a moment when one stops dreaming. We dream of our future...tomorrow...how things will be - what turn our life will take. Some predictable some not.
Dreams let us get a glimpse of how it will actually be. Dreams provide us with the much needed push in the right direction sometimes.
Yet somehow you don't have to really go to sleep and have a dream to "have a dream". Gently kindling the hope of being in a state of mind or body in the future...is all we need.
This spark keeps us going from achieving on dream to the other. IF there should come a day when we have no more dreams...this life that we live so dearly will be one monotonous journey, where we count every minute towards the inevitable end. And then...by all possibility the end will become a dream!

So...how did it come to this. I am not sure about people (I would sure like to find out though) but for me "inspiration" does come standard. All I have to do to get inspired - is watch someone else. Be it jogging, writing, painting, swimming or something as trivial as drinking an extra glass of water!

It may sound like I don't like getting inspired...ofcourse I like it! Who doesn't like getting inspired by something nice and then making it your own? But here is the problem...drummroollllll- I am only interested in going after something for the next 5 minutes...then I find something else much more inspiring and go after that.

Is that how human nature works or is it just me...so if you don't see a post from me ever again...you will know what to do to get me back on the wagon! See you then!