Remember...

So A and I have been wanting to get a dog home for the longest time. Finally we made up our minds to get one and call it our own. The moment this decision was announced - critics jumped on us. Well wishers - that is what they are. Well... if you wish well for us - then wish well... hope that when we get the dog home we can bear that responsibility and do a good job - really - just wish us well for once!
If you are expecting us to fail and give up the moment it starts getting difficult - then you really have no faith in what we do - and no trust in what we promise to do.
So - now the story is - I am even more determined to bring the dog home - more because I want to prove you wrong - for all the times that you doubted us. It is never enough - no matter how much you prove yourself - there are always those who peek from behind the bushes and wait for you to fail - just to pounce on you then and tell you "I told you so". They never come around to ask - "how can we help"...
They have doubted all the time - no matter what we do - doubt is always the first reaction. I have never heard them saying they believe we can do it. It breaks my heart every time - yet I try to do everything right just to get them to believe. But it is too much to ask.
Note to self - remember never turn to these people for help - because all you will see if their backs because they will be the first to turn away and start walking...

Keeping count...

Remember the good stuff... remember the positive things...
Well then we will never learn, will we? Everything that is good has a bad side... its just like two faces of the same coin. Can we just look at one side and not bother about the other? The coin will always have two faces whether we like it or not. So - the better way to think (according to me is) - know there is or was some bad side to this good side that we are in now...
Everything that goes up - comes down... only then does it go up again. So this is my attempt to keep track of everything that wasn't so nice/positive/good in 2008. Now that it is coming to an end... hopefully 2009 will bring better brighter days.

The not so good...
2008:
1. took Dimma away from us: My 96/97 year old maternal grandmother. She was bundle of sweet. I still remember the distinct smell of her - a mixture of paan and zarda. She was a very straight forward woman. Never fearing to tell the truth. An ray of hope in the right direction, for all of us who are quickly becoming part of this hypocritical society. As we grow old - memories from our childhood start to fade. There is so much I still remember about my childhood with Dimma. I will document that in another blog post - some other day - and do justice to the memories.
2. took a little part of me away: If all went well - who knows where we would have been. We would probably have been riding high in parenthood heaven. But - that was not meant to be - so it didn't. Let's not dwell on it. This is meant as a reminder of what was and a hope for what might come to be.
3. took A's Dadima from us: I didn't know her too well - just the short visits we had when we went back home. But she was a strong women I heard. She fought till the end and was lucky to have her sons with her in her last days. May she rest in peace.
4. took a few other people - who we didn't really know - but they were important to some of our friends. May we never forget them.


The wonderful:
1. A's cousin found a place for herself in Boston. This is extra special because - I know A loves to have people and family around. Seeing him happy makes me happy. The past few months have introduced me to a life where its just not the two of us anymore - and I have loved it.
2. My childhood friend came to visit us from London - only for 3 days... it was a short trip - but it felt good. After such a long time to just sit around and talk and talk and talk .. till it was time for her to check in for her flight!
3. A turned 30! We didn't do too much to mark the occasion but it is sure worth remembering. Maybe I will do something special for him next birthday.
4. A new opportunity presented itself to A. He got a chance to diversify his skills - which will get us closer to India sooner! So that is definitely a good thing.
5. We settled on a house in India. Finally! So - if all goes well... we will have a place to stay.


That was all I could think of so far... will amend this list as I remember.

Good things come in small packages...

Thought I'd died and gone to heaven. If there is a place on earth that we can call heaven - that was home - these past 3 weeks. We had a little angel staying with us - she gave us (A and I) the most wonderful memories. Sure... there will be many more wonderful memories in our life... nothing like the first ones though!
Her four little paws... walking all over A in the morning... trying desperately to get our attention and wake us up - so one of us can be nice and take her outside. The amount of unconditional love that comes out of those ultra-expressive eyes... the never ending willingness to lick our hands,feet,faces and anything else she can lay her tongue on was simply put - breathtaking.
Every morning would be a routine of love and affection showering - just before we head out for a brief walk. The noiseless barks and howls are a treat for the ears and watching her take it extremely seriously is hilarious! Soon after the walk - we come back inside genuinely concerned about A and where he is. Food is the remotest thought in our minds at that point. As soon as we spot A in the house and notice that he is getting ready to leave for work - little miss B gets sad - her favorite person is about to head out the door and she will be left behind with me or our cousin or no one!
We can visibly see the thoughts crossing her mind at that point. Her sad eyes get sadder by the minute... but still with a heavy heart we leave her behind her gates.
She watches in silence - never complaining - just telling us over and over again - "I will miss you".
The days when I stay home with her - pass by beautifully with us hanging out together. She will follow me with her little click-clack footsteps every where... she sleeps through most of the afternoon - when I am trying to get most of my work done. Then as soon as evening rolls in - she knows A is going to be back home soon. Then she starts waiting...
As soon as the garage door starts rolling up - it is time for her to run around the house and find the door that will open and bring her closer to A! It was a pleasure watching her go through the entire drill every single day! Some days I was lucky to be on the receiving end of it and I must point out that it is the best welcome anyone can ever get! No one has been so overjoyed to see me after just 8 or 9 hours!
Well... now she is back home with her real parents - it was great for A and I to play foster parents for a while. She is a lovely girl and we will always cherish these three weeks.. and wait for the next time we can have her around.
The most painful part of these three weeks was when we had to get into the car without her after we dropped her off at her real parent's... those eyes looking at us asking "why can't I come?" are just painful to forget. But we know she is happy - and may God always keep her that way...

Beginning of a journey....

Today being my first day of blogspot writing, thought I would keep it simple & general as I am not sure how the writing will turn out to be.

I started playing with the idea of writing, the moment guria mentioned it last night, though I am not sure if I ever wanted to, especially blogs, because somehow I never understood the mechanism or never found it interesting enough!

It was the idea of writing down the memories of our childhood or that of our lives & sharing that with each other that interested me most. When I went to sleep, I laid awake thinking about what I would write & how…but today morning, sitting infront of the laptop, (oh god!!!!) wish I could the inside of my brains (!!!)…. innumerable thoughts started creeping in & fighting to come out making it more difficult for me to actually think as to what I would write!!! That’s why decided to keep it ‘general’!!

Considering the number of memories coming back to me…well, my life is not that lifeless!! & come to think of it…I always thought my life was worth nothing remembering for!!! I wonder where were all these memories for all these years??

My idea of memoirs was associated with the conventional method of pen & paper, where one would read out to others their thoughts, observations etc. or if not, to maintain it as one’s personal space where one would pour his/her heart out, away from the prying eyes of the world. Blogs, well, I was not too sure about that!!!

In this age when everything happens at the speed of nanoseconds, people around the world may have come closer but yet they have managed to move away from their own self or so as to say their immediate near & dear ones. We talk of networking nowadays & yet how little we know of the people staying with us!!! Blogs may be one of the ways to maintain that personal touch inspite of being millions of miles or few steps away from each other..!!!

Lets see how our, guria’s & mine, venture of writing down our memories turns out to be!! 20 years down the line, I don’t know where we will be, but hope this blog will still keep us going!!

To read a person...

Impressions form in a matter of seconds, it takes even less time to ruin a really good impression. It is worth a moment of everyone's time to stop and think how much work goes into building a relation, making an impression, leaving a mark (a good one)... and it takes so little to wipe out all that hard work. A blow to the right place with the wrong words or actions will ruin everything. Recently I have come to realize that what seems to be ...hardly is.. and what is...seldom seems to be.
Both A and I are alike - taking someone on face value has become a (bad) habit for us. In the end what awaits eagerly is just hurt and broken relations. Relations that we thought were important and mattered... we would and could go out of our way entirely to make it work. Silly kids... that is so juvenile! Well... we are learning.. slowly but surely. To have a good relation with anyone... there is always a lot of work involved. Even when someone is related by blood - we are born with the relation - however keeping it alive is entirely our responsibility.

To build a good future... it is important to look into the past and learn from all the rights...that went wrong...

It is OK to judge - but do we feel equally OK when we are set on the other side of the same table?

Is it OK to give up?

To give up and give in - can be read by whoever is reading as weakness. In the face of adversity we are pretty much accepting that whatever the difficulty is did get the best of me. There is nothing more we can say or do... really? I don't think so. There is a reserve of strength, courage and perseverance in all of us. We don't know about it till the day when we need it. That is why we often hear people use the phrase - "Just when we were about to give up...". This only goes to show that what we think is the limit is hardly that. There is no doubt a limit to everything - a limit to what you can do for others, a limit to what you can take from others, a limit to how far you would tolerate. It is upto every human being to set the limit for ourselves. People who choose not to set a high limit are the ones who usually give up and give in early in the game. Survival was never going to be easy. In reality it is a game that we all play till the end. When the end arrives and we are left alone we think back on all that we have done. It is those who are not alone at the end who know they have come out on the top and top is where they stay...forever.

Get..Set..Wait...

Yes! I know what I want to do... I'll start my own small business. I will be my own boss. That in itself is a bright idea - bright enough to keep me going all day. Not that I don't like my present or past supervisors bar one. I have been somewhat lucky in that area... they were all wonderful mentors who knew exactly how to and when to let go and when to hold on.
That being said - I and many like me always wanted to started something of their own - this is the age of Baby Boomers - not that I am a baby anymore.. i am quiet old to have started something 10 years ago. But never say never right? So I am going to start something someday - there are a billion ideas playing around in my head all day everyday... to see any one of them through to reality is going to take a lot of courage. Specially because we (as a family) have a few commitments that will take precedence and then comes my dream. But this dream won't be a dream forever - that I am sure of. I will begin my journey to entrepreneurship soon... a few years maybe.

I am not going to disclose my ideas on this blog just because I don't want the whole world (not that anyone reads) to read about it and beat me to it! The first rule of being a successful business woman - be wary of business women like self - no one minds a good idea for free!

Memories...

For mine to have and remember... what about people who can't remember? No - I am not one of them - I am on the other end of the spectrum. I remember too well. Every word, action, expression.. every single detail. Sometimes it is painful. The downside of remembering is... I have access to and can play back every single moment in my head a million times - they can be paused..rewound...I never really fast forward. However, as cool as it sounds... it is not that cool all the time. I don't wish to remember some of the not-so-pleasant moments in my life. The curse is... I have to.
So that being said - how would it be if I could just forget everything. If I could immediately forget the many impressions that people leave behind... would that help? It might, in some cases... it will be a second chance to build relations that are misunderstood the first time. It will allow me to experience the little things in life a little better as if that it the first time I am ever seeing it. They say we should live every moment as if it were our last. I say live it like its your first! With "last" comes the thought of an end somewhere... which brings some sadness with it. But with "first" there is only a magnificent possibility of there being many more beautiful moments in life. So why not live like there is a whole life ahead of us. Forget and wipe out what the past tries to show us over and over. Learn from it but don't let it decide what your future will be. Let your heart (not head) decide what the future brings. If only everyone thought with their hearts... the world wouldn't be so heartless...

If I hold the light in my hand... why should I shed it on the path I left behind...Won't I need it to look ahead?

Going off on a Tangent....

So recently something stirred up in me... I realized I am a very proud person. Maybe a little timid but proud. I don't show my pride at all really... but if you are looking for it - you will see it! Needless to say I am a working woman and that contributes a whole lot to my pride. Its not like I earn a whole lot to feel that way - but it is my hard earned money and with it I feel like I can buy the world for everyone! I truly can't.
Ever since I was a little girl I was taught the importance of money... and how hard people work for it. So the importance of respecting someone else's money was a highlight in my values! I don't really think so much about things I own - they are mine and I know I can't offend myself. But when it comes to things that someone else owns... I am extra-ultra-careful. Its just in by blood - it comes naturally.
I know and have met some people in my (still short) life who don't agree with that school of thought. A relation to them is what gives them the right to certain things. I might sound selfish - but - "what I have is mine - unless I give it to you and what you have is your's and I will not take it without your permission or assume you would want to give it to me unless you specifically say so". Does it make sense? Maybe it does - maybe it doesn't. Assumption is not what I live my life by.... I don't assume anything - even love. I need to know someone who loved me yesterday still loves me today - that is also their's to give... to who they please. I can (by my actions) prove myself worthy of it - but it is still not something I just assume.
The only love that is unconditional - is a mother and her child's. That is the only thing that comes with no strings and cannot fade away. Everything else - we have to work towards - be it money...fame... honor.. even love.
So that brings me back to my point earlier - can I assume that something that is not mine today will be mine - just because...? I don't see a reason why I should be able to make that assumption. If I don't fight or work for it - it never really is mine.

If life was handed to us on a silver platter... would we still be alive or just exist?

Immortality

Immortality...its your's "take it"...said Brad Pitt as Acheles.
On 3rd Feb at 11:00AM IST my dimma passed away. This was a day we all knew would arrive we just didn't want to think about it. She was a sweet gentle soul who never wished ill for anyone.
I wanted to jot down a few things that make her special and will always keep her alive in my mind as Dimma.
1. The summer vacations to Ashoknagar to see Dimma
2. The endless pampering of grandchildren showered by Dimma and Dadu.
3. The visits in Kankulia house by Dimma... those were wonderful... she used to make goja and nimki for us!
4. Visiting mumum in Dhakuria with Dimma - walking up from Kankulia to mumum's house in the evenings was wonderful.
5. Going to celebrate Durga puja and Kali puja with Dimma.
6. The smell of Dimma's house and sari filled with the minty freshness of Pan and zarda.
7. The scoldings we used to get from Dimma and no scolding at all from Dadu. :)

I will always miss you Dimma and Dadu. You will always remain in my heart as the two warmest people I knew.

Love you forever.